Who Am I?

2 years ago I could have confidently told you who I was. I was a neurotic, passionate person. I loved music and politics and I loathed being like anyone else. I loved to read and laugh and learn new things. I loved to drink and get tattoos and have fun colored hair. I enjoyed being a responsible teacher during the week and a rebel on the weekend. I had found the love of my life who taught me to love who I am and I was secure in who I was. I had a good set of friends who were also funny and fun and caring. By my late 20s I really had it together and was really coming into my own.

In the past two years I've felt myself slip away. With every negative pregnancy test I look at, it's like a chunk of me is slipping away. I have become consumed, eaten up, by my quest for a baby. I feel like my life as boiled down to two things, being a teacher and being infertile. I spend all my time anxious, about school, about students, about being good enough, about being broken, about how I'm going to ever make a baby. I spend my free time researching infertility or working way too much on school stuff to distract myself. Some days it doesn't even phase me, but some days I mourn the loss of who I was before. I need to try to find balance, I need to get back to myself.

Now that I'm getting into the long hard part of my infertility journey, I have to find ways to get back to myself. I need to take time to just be me again, for my own sanity.