Somewhere Over the Rainbow...

Well the day arrived! Sooner than we thought because my blood pressure was too high, they moved up my induction to 38 weeks. We went in on a Tuesday night, which happened to be a busy baby night for the hospital, so we waited and waited. Finally we were taken in around Midnight Wednesday and by 2 am they had inserted the Foley balloon to start induction. Honestly, that was the worst part. It felt like my worst period cramps but I couldn't get any Tylenol or anything for relief so I spent all night not sleeping. Around 7am, I finally started to feel better and was able to get a couple hours of sleep before the doctor came in to check on me, when she did it turned out I was already 5cm dilated so they let me eat breakfast and then moved me to a labor room for the rest of the day. It was annoying being hooked up to so many monitors, mostly because I had to work around them every time I had to pee. Every 2 hours or so the doctor came in to check and see how far along I was and I was 6cm every time. In the afternoon they added an IV drip with meds to increase my contractions and by 4pm I was really getting uncomfortable and called for an epidural. The anesthesiologist was impressed that I had waited until 6cm to get one, but honestly until then I was perfectly fine. Throughout the afternoon and evening they continued to up the meds but I was not dilating any further. At midnight, after being at 6cm for 12 hours the doctor called it quits and said it was time to transition to C Section and after being in labor since the night before it was honestly a relief.

An operating room was open so we were able to go right away so I was prepped and brought right in. It was nice that my husband was able to come and be by my side. Within 15 minutes of surgery starting, out came my little girl, she came out sucking her fist, eyes wide, taking in the new world around her. The Dr. later told me that she had her umbilical cord wrapped around her 3 times, which is why she was not making her way down any further to be born regularly so the c section was the right call. I lost a bit of blood during the surgery so my iron is back down to where it was before my iron infusion a few weeks prior. Honestly the surgery went smoothly and I was out holding my beautiful girl soon enough. She lifted her head on my chest right away, showing how strong and smart she already was. She also latched very easily so I got right on the breast feeding train.

We spent the next 2 1/2 days in a tiny little hospital room, with nurses and doctors coming to check on us at all hours. It all kind of blended together, I didn't sleep much between cluster feeding and tests and meds. The doctors had attached a wound vac to my incision to keep it free of infection which was cool but also very annoying to have to carry around every time I got up. It was like having a walkman attached to me. By Saturday I was desperate to go home and be comfy and happy with my little family.

We finally came home from the hospital and while things were hard to get use to, we were doing it. Learning together how to be parents and take care of our little girl. Our (mine really) big problem started when we went to our first pediatrician appointment. Baby girl had lost over a pound since her birth and that meant she wasn't getting enough food so we needed to supplement with formula. I knew what this meant though, because I have PCOS, I knew that this meant I had a low milk supply and that I hadn't really been feeding my daughter enough in those first days. I was really hoping that my big boobs would be good for something but obviously not. I went home and pumped so I could see what I was producing to know how much to supplement and it was...1/2 Ounce, like both sides combined. No wonder she lost so much weight. So since then I've been

doing both, pumping and using formula to supplement. I've been struggling mentally with all of it, like all the feelings of inadequacy about my body came back from infertility. Like why can't my body possibly do what it's suppose to? Why can't I just be normal? Why can't I take care of my baby like women have done since the beginning of time? Doing both is exhausting and time consuming and I'm so tired. I've done everything I can to try to increase my milk supply, research, learning the best pump settings, power pumping, supplements.....nothing, no increase. The most I've ever gotten was 1 oz total. I've also noticed that one of my boobs literally produces drops, sometimes even nothing ( and of course it's my bigger boob). I think I'm finally coming to terms with the fact that I will be feeding with

formula and soon switch to just doing that. I am so tired and honestly this hasn't been good for my mental health so it's not good for my sweet baby girl.

Even through all of that, having my rainbow baby finally here. She is funny and smart and so curious about the world. She makes my heart so happy and I can't wait to be her Mom and watch her learn and grow up. She is my whole heart and she has been worth ever part of this. I will never let myself forget that and not be thankful for her every day.