Is This a Cosmic Joke?

This week is National Infertility Awareness week, so how did I get to celebrate? Oh just having my cycle this month canceled.

So this cycle started like normal, I took my round of letrozole for this month and came in for my ultrasound follicle check. Once again, there were no good follicles. BUT this time, Cysty McCysterson (large endometrioma) was in the way of my right ovary, to the point where the ultrasound tech couldn't find it.

I waited for the call from the nurse, assuming that we would do like last month, another round of letrozole to make the follicles grow more and a recheck. When she finally called, she said my RE was canceling this cycle and that we needed to have an appointment to talk about next steps, because my cyst has gotten even bigger.

My gut is that this means we're moving on to the big guns but what will that entail? We weren't suppose to meet until after IUI, but I'm wondering if this means we're going to revisit surgery or if we're skipping right to IVF.

While I would love to get all the help I can get, this makes me very uneasy. I have not lost enough weight yet for surgery or IVF and I know being told I can't do anything until then will just crush me. My body literally just can't do anything right: it can't lose weight, it can't make eggs, it can't make a baby in the right spot.

Some days it just feels like too much, like do I really want to keep going down this road for disappointment after disappointment? It's just a monthly cycle of mourning what I can't have.