High Anxiety

Ever since the COVID lockdown started my anxiety has been out of control. I knew that the circumstances were unique so I told myself I just needed to push through. I will feel better once the virus calms down and I can get back to a normal routine.

When my ectopic happened at the end of June, I no longer felt I was in control at all. Depression and anxiety took over me. One day I would be unable to get myself to do anything, others I was uber productive because it was the only thing I could control. Maybe if I distract myself I wouldn't think about how broken and worthless I felt. Obsessing about if I would ever be a Mom, how I'd pay for fertility treatments or how I'd deal with all the time I'd have to take off from work for any sort of doctors appointments. I know my PCOS hormone imbalance influences my anxiety and depression so maybe the hormone flux of getting pregnant and then having to terminate it messed me up.

I was starting to get a grip on myself when the school year started. As I'm sure you know, this is a complicated, unique school year. My district decided to go back hybrid which was I was not looking forward to, but on top of that right before I reported back for work we found out because of construction issues we just our school was going to remain virtual until the school was ready. Flipping the script on my planning. And that's when I really fell I lost all control. With every new guideline, detail, email and staff meeting I got more and more anxious and overwhelmed.

I had come a long way from where I had been in my mental health over the past few years but I felt like I had completely regressed. I had no control and was having panic attacks regularly again. Once day during a panic attack after being told another new thing about school, I told my husband that I felt like ripping my face off because my brain was too tight....and that's when I knew I needed help.

It was like a snowball, it just kept getting bigger and bigger over the past 6 months and if I did nothing I know it would have gotten bigger. I went and talked to my doctor and basically cried at her at the whole time. I took the depression and anxiety questionnaires and scored "severe" on the GAD 7 point test (I win?). She upped my meds and assured me that it's totally understandable to feel so out of control during this time, not to mention a crazy school year and going through an ectopic. I'm thankful that she was so kind and understand and helpful. Hopefully I can pull myself out of this spiral now.