Good Riddance 2020

I don't think I know one person who had a good year this year. Even more than the pandemic, it felt like everyone's unluckiest year. For me it was not a good year, but I did learn a lot about myself and about what's important.

January:

We were so hopeful last New Years. We had just met with the OB/GYN and were starting Letrozole to help make a baby. We went out that night to celebrate a year of opportunity and to hopefully becoming parents. The first round of Letrozole was a failure.

February:

Officially one year of trying to make a baby, second round of Letrozole was a failure

March:

Third round of Letrozole fails. Annnnd here begins the shutdown. Nothings open, working from home, spending way too much time by myself with my husband still out working. I had to face a lot of mental health stuff over the course of the next few months.

April:

All fertility treatments are put on hold because of the pandemic, so a lot of the same, just dealing with myself.

May:

Fertility treatments are allowed again as cases go down so I do a fourth round of Letrozole and it works! After 15 months of looking at negative pregnancy tests, my body finally worked correctly! I find out I'm pregnant a couple days before my birthday and it was literally one of my happiest birthdays even with the shutdown.

June:

At the end of June, I went for my first ultrasound. I was so excited to see my little 8 week old baby in there, and my heart broke as they found my womb empty. Then began a whirlwind few days. After blood tests and a biopsy of my womb confirmed there was still a baby growing inside of me, but it was ectopic and if we didn't move fast, I would begin internally bleeding. Luckily, we caught it before that had begun so I didn't need surgery but a methotrexate shot, essentially a shot of chemo, that would dissolve my little fetus. This was 100% the hardest thing I ever had to do, or ever had to live through. I am still, 6 months later, trying to process my grief over this.

July:

I went for a second round of methotrexate shots because my HCG levels were still too high (the baby was still hanging around). That was officially the end of my pregnancy. I finally got referred to a specialist.

August:

School started back up virtually, not because of the pandemic....but because the construction on the school made the school unsafe for students until the end of September. Working was a great routine I needed, even though it was from home. At the end of the month I finally had my consultation my Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE). We began the process of baseline tests and creating a plan to make a baby.

September:

During my September cycle, I went for all my baseline tests and got some hopeful news, my ovarian reserves are good, my tubes are clear and there is no male factor. We just needed to tackle my cysts and lack of ovulation.

October:

We met again with the RE to come up with our plan. I was going to meet with a surgeon about removing my cysts which were most likely endometriomas.

November:

This was the month of consultations. I met with a weight loss doctor who prescribed me medicine to help me lose weight to overcome the weight I gain because of my hormone imbalance. I also have a consultation with the surgeon about removing my big cysts. This does not go as expected. I am told I am currently too fat for surgery and I might lost my egg reserve removing the cysts. I felt so defeated, so unhopeful.

December:

My RE comes up with a new plan for 2021, we're going to start in the new year. I can't wait to start fresh, it's exactly what I need at this point.

I'm not delusional, I know that everything won't magically be different tomorrow. But I have hope for 2021. I know I'll get a vaccine eventually and maybe we can have some semblance of normalcy again. I know we're going to get back on the baby making wagon again and hopefully it works.

2020 taught me a lot. I have learned what I can and cannot control, and I'm getting much better at letting go when I cannot control it. I have a better handle on my mental health, not perfect, but I have a good level of meds and comfort talking about my issues. I have the strength from going through an infertility journey and losing a baby, I know I can make it through anything now. I have also learned what is and isn't worth my time and effort. I don't need negative people and petty shit in my life because there is so so much more important things to worry about and to live for.

I also have a better grasp on what I do have. The family I've made (actual family, my husband and my good friends) is quality. They are always here to support me and 2020 has made it clear who the ride or die people are and for them I have forever grateful.

Here's to all of your 2021s being better than your 2020s.