Double Dousing

So unfortunately last round didn't work, but we moved straight on to the next. Everything went as usual and I went to my monitoring ultrasound on CD 13 expecting to have a good follicle like the month before.....and there were none. There were zero in my right ovary and only super small immature ones in the left.

I left the appointment feeling down because I was sure I was out for this cycle. I teared up while teaching that day, luckily I'm sneaky and just played it off like I needed to rub my eyes. I was just so frustrated that my body refuses to cooperate and do what it's suppose to.

In the afternoon, my RE nurse called to tell me the doctor was having me take more letrozole at a hight does and we would recheck the next week. I didn't even know it was possible to restart mid cycle. I had a renewed hope for this month!

So my next monitoring ultrasound day came around and I set myself up for there being none again, just in case. But to my surprise there were 3! 3 good follicles! 3 possible good eggs!

We were told to wait one more day to trigger to just let them grow a smidge more. The nurse had to call to counsel me on the possibility that there was a "risk" of multiples. In my head though I was like "DON'T CARE I WANT ALL THE BABIES".

So the next morning will pulled the trigger. This is the best odds we've ever had, 3x that of a normal normal month let alone the fact that we have a change to have twins or even triplets this month (while I want a baby and will accept anything, hopefully not triplets because that's a lot).

On the flip side, if this amazing chance doesn't work, I think I am going to be even more devastated than usual. Like what is wrong with me that I can't even get pregnant with 3x a normal person's chance. The number that infertility does on your self esteem and just feeling of inadequacy is hard to even describe to people.

I feel like from this experience of infertility I've become more secure in the other parts of my life though. Like I know I'm a caring wife and friend. Between this and the pandemic I'm more sure about what is important and what friends are real, and that life is too short to spend it with people or things that stress you out or make you feel bad.

In general this whole experience has been a good teacher.

Think good thoughts for me this month guys!