Can we get any good news in 2020?

So today I had my consultation with the surgeon. It did not go how I expected at all.

How I thought it would go: "let's talk about your issues" "ok here's your surgery date"

How it really went:

1. I am too fat for surgery so I cannot have it done now anyways. I have to lose like 35 lbs until my fat wouldn't be in the way of my reproductive organs. cool.

2. The way the cysts (possibly endometrioma) I might lose some ovarian tissue in the process so it would be a good idea to freeze some of my eggs beforehand. This means I have to go through the egg retrieval process and I've been told I have to lose about 60 lbs for that

So once again I am in a holding pattern.

Did I know that might weight might be an issue? yes. But adding onto that the possibility of losing part of my ovaries just hit me like a ton of bricks. Just all of that information was too much. I spent the rest of the day crying and sleeping, just trying to process what I was just told.

So far the new weight loss medicine I've been on has been helping, so that is hopeful, but when you've spend your whole life fighting your weight, it doesn't leave you with much optimism. And I knew we might have to tackle IVF down the road but it seems like I have to face the reality of it a lot sooner than I had thought.

Now, the surgery might go beautifully and my ovaries will be fine and I can have kids normally afterward but it seems like a no brainer to me to freeze some eggs in case. If I came out of that surgery and my reserve was severely depleted, I would never be able to forgive myself.

I just feel like such a failure, that I'm letting everyone down. I'm too fat, I can't have babies and all I do is cry. It just doesn't seem fair, I would love that baby with all my heart and I can't have one like a normal person.

I know there are positives to this, like being healthy and being prepared but it's just so much pressure. I can tell you one thing, I have learned a lot about myself this year and what I can work through.